"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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