I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
