just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
