The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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