cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
