omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
someone threw a dead crab at me
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
