I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
