barbara walters just said penis...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
