I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
