where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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