sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
