Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
