i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
