it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
