But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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