i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
