How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
