How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
