Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
