I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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