my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
