just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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