My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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