The maid of honor just puked.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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