Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
what day is it and did you see me today?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
