no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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