I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
