the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
