you would pick up someone in the library
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
