I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
