Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we're making bets on your personal life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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