atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
