are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
