Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
