Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
This baby is an asshole
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
