Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
