Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
