just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
