Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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