In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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