oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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