Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
