now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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