respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
