allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
