im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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