I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
