I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
