Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i believe in u and ur pee
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
