had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
